This post had been in the works for so, so long. And everytime I've gotten close to finishing this, I learn a little more about me, and all of it goes right down the drain. But all for good reasons. One could say I was chipping away at what I wanted to write/say little by little, and each time I got somewhere, I had a different perspective that everything before makes no sense.
Growing into someone I don't recognize¶
Past few months have been the kind where I was desperate to get back to the version of myself that had just joined college. My mood was broody at best and my outlook at things were defeatist, to put it in a few words. I couldn't grapple with my being lethargic, tired and sleepy. More often than all that, was the loneliness that never seemed to matter even when I was alone.
I would throw myself into the deep end of the things to forget everything, learning things and trying to stay in touch with everyone around me. It would seem to work, only for my tank to run out and me finding myself in spirals of tiredness, self doubt and loathing. And at this point in time, when sleep would fix things, the damned phone would stay in my hands, offering temporary reprieve, in exchange for the time the solution needed.
I've been finding myself a lot less optimistic, but also a lot more clinical in tasks. My consistent negligience of paying attention to the effort I'm putting into and instead deciding that I'm nowhere good enough hands me surprises that rob me of joy. Confidence and being outright were replaced with anxiousness and worrisome. Sometimes I look into the mirror and ask: "Is this me now? Where did all of this begin?"
I've come to realise that change is the only constant. And expecting I could just return to who I was as simple as doing git reset --hard is just plain silly. So I've begun to put in the work, to slowly move away from all these. To become someone better, both from now and the kid from back then.
Part of this step comes from regularly identifying things I do/don't do, and force myself to do what I'd rather want to do. These little corrections have gone a long way in helping me find my feet, and I could see myself being passionate about things I would've instead put into a list and forget about a few months ago. A large part of being able to do what I'm able to do right now comes thanks to all the experiences I've had with my seniors (Hegde, Sudhir, SJ, Anshul, VB, Nathan, yeschi, prawns, Adhesh and others, in no particular order), mebin, vinaayak, Lab and the clubs HSP and ACM.
The clubs and Lab have provided me with a communication line where I can just talk, and someone or the other would find and join me in my ramblings. I've always learnt something new when on the opportunities that they provide, and it keeps me going. It also helps me deal with anxiety and fear of going unnoticed, because Working with my garage door open feels a lot harder now than a few months ago.
The seniors, however, transformed what otherwise was a very, very dull and sad year into something worth remembering. They've made college fun, and I could never ask for a better set of people to spend time with. I realised that they meant more to me than friends from my own batch this one day when I got into the lift with them instead of waiting with my friends. Ofcourse they sent me out, but the very fact that I did this definitely played a role in souring some relationships, while giving me a clear order of priority.
The Escapist Creative Outlets¶
I've been on a trend of using work/things to get out of a thought spiral, or to simply cope. A few of these were outright unhealthy and dangerous, but finding out that these were less impulsive and more due to triggers helped me reduce the times I've done this.
For example, post my breakup I'd just venture off to the back of my uni campus, often going into suspicious places and risky routes (like tall grass into unmaintained vegetative growth). I've been fortunate enough to be accompanied by friends who care and are level headed, but the surprising lack of concern about how risky all of this was threw me (and a lot of my friends) off. This sem too, after seeing her in a talk, I just walked out and went back to the back of the campus, having unhinged conversations that definitely made the day memorable.
I had also tried putting myself into so much club work (WHICH, I DID NOT NEED TO). This, I realised was so bad, because when SJ asked me what I could talk about, I had only college, clubs, and work in my mind. It baffles me how I could never find anything other than these. Till to this day (of writing the blog), I've been meaning to find topics I'd talk about that doesn't involve college with her.
I've burnt out from these creative outlets too, like for example, with marketing. It used to be something out of joy, but I'm tired of how much energy I've put into it, because it had stopped being fun to me. Hitting the same button again too fast only reduces the reward it gives, and I seem to have exhausted any and all joy it could give in the short term.
The accelerant¶
If my life already wasn't falling apart fast enough, it definitely became apparent when I began to struggle in my relationship. While this wasn't the first time to have fights or issues, this was the first time where I could put myself to blame and totally agree with it. I struggled with connection, with the space, with communication and more. One question that turned to self doubt and lingered on for so long that it drove me away, when I was supposed to stay, wait and weather it out.
But the underlying issue dragged on long before all this. I'd like to quote Khalil Gibran on this: "Between what is said and what is meant, and between what is meant and what is done, most of love is lost." I had decided that there were some things that are supposed to be normal, and never talked about them with my partner, even though they'd slowly chip away at my peace of mind. These would end up piling into a stack so high, over all the fights and conversations that we had, that when it came to this situation, I no longer had the strength to carry everything on my own.
I still miss us, and after a while of poetry, I've come to realise that letting go isn't one grand action, but begins like picking out buds of a jasmine plant. You'll keep finding them even after thinking you were done with all of them. I still get reminded in ways I don't expect, and on days I'm really tired it would take me everything to not pick up my phone and text.
This obviously took a huge toll on, what was, at the time, an already tired me. It accelerated the kind of mental burnout I would've probably been experiencing now instead of then, and sometimes, it honestly feels like it was all for good measure.
Patches and Changes¶
In the quest of being myself I had burnt a few too many bridges than old me would've liked. A good section of people in my life are now playing a very inconsequential part, and this comes from fall outs they've had with me.
I find myself regularly debating about ideologies with my benchmate, who happens to like solitaire and thumb fights. She's also insanely energetic and strangely kid-like, while the guy who sits next to me is someone I talk to about myself more often. My timetable is such that I barely get to go home with Arjun, but our conversations are the kind that kindle warmth and comfort, and lets us question and understand our choices and decisions that we had made in certain situations. Aditi, while being the furthest away, extends the most support when I'm in need.
Vinaayak and Mebin continue to be strong pillars of support, although I find Vinaayak to grow more silent about life in general. These two are probably the primary reason I've come this far, and they continue to challenge me in ways I love getting better in. The seniors need not come to college anymore, and given my lack of topics, the conversations are scarce, but the sentiment remains the same.
My juniors have stepped it up a notch too! Lakshit, Nirmal, Aston, Saankhya are people I interact with so often (often due to club work) that it's really fun to hang out with them. There are countless others (like Krithik, Shivangi, Ananya, Prarthana, Prabodh, Kurias, Kewin, etc) that, while I spend lesser time with, show insane potential and consistently remind me that there is no bar that lets you relax. Really amazing people that I find myself surrounded with!
This isnt what I expected it to be, and that's okay¶
This post turned out to be less and less of what I had in mind, but it doesn't matter. It feels like a ramble about myself, but I don't think it should affect me in anyway. It's better to let out a mess than bottling it up and hoping for something better to come out of it.
I might've had to deal with change, cutting people off my life, growing up, feelings, regrets, and what not, but I cannot understate that when I was happy, I was really happy. And my life feels like a better place than it was before. Now all I'd need to do is have good food, good sleep and a good time :)